Father James Martin: My 5 favorite jokes about Jesuits (inspired by Pope Francis)
Pope
Francis shares a laugh with a visitor as they hold hands at the end of
his weekly general audience in St. Peter's Square at the Vatican March
20, 2024. (CNS photo/Lola Gomez)Today, in an excerpt from his new memoir Hope: An Autobiography (written with Carlo Musso) published in The New York Times, Pope Francis praised the value of joy, humor and laughter. While acknowledging that some clerics “come across as bitter, sad,” the pope writes, “generally, we priests tend to enjoy humor and even have a fair stock of jokes and amusing stories, which we are often quite good at telling, as well as being the object of them.”
In passing, he (accurately) notes, “Jokes about and told by Jesuits are in a class of their own.” Then he tells one of my favorite Jesuit jokes, which you can find in his article. Here are five others from my book Between Heaven and Mirth, where we Jesuits are usually (as is appropriate) the object of some ribbing.
One day a Franciscan friar, dressed in his brown habit, comes to a barber shop and gets a haircut. Afterward, the Franciscan starts to pay, but the barber protests and says: “No, no. Of course not. I love the Franciscans. You live so simply! This haircut is free!” The Franciscan thanks him, blesses him and leaves. The next morning, at the entrance to the barber shop, the barber finds a basket of wildflowers and a thank-you note from the Franciscan.
That same day, a Trappist, dressed in his black-and-white habit, comes by the shop for a haircut. Afterward, the Trappist offers to pay, but the barber says, “Oh no, I love the Trappists! You live such holy lives of prayer. This haircut is free!” The next morning, the barber finds at his door a beautiful basket of Trappist cheeses and jams and a thank-you note from the Trappist.
That same day, a Jesuit comes to the barber shop, dressed in his black clerical suit. After his haircut, the Jesuit offers to pay and the barber says, “No, no, Father. My son goes to a Jesuit high school. This haircut is free!” The next morning at his door the barber comes to his shop and finds...five more Jesuits.
•••
A Jesuit, Franciscan and Dominican are adoring at the Nativity. The Franciscan exclaims to the infant Jesus, “Oh, that the Son of God would choose to be born in a lowly stable, among the animals!” The Dominican says to Mary, “Oh, that God would choose to incarnate himself, fully human and fully divine!” And the Jesuit says to St. Joseph, “Have you given any thought to a Jesuit high school for the kid?”
•••
A Jesuit novice is ushered into the dining room of a Jesuit community at a large college on a big feast day: the Feast of St. Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuits. He takes one look at the cocktails, the wine, the surf and turf on the table, and the big selection of cakes and pies for dessert and says, “Wow! If this is poverty, bring on chastity!”
•••
A Jesuit, Franciscan and Trappist are taking a cruise and are shipwrecked. After being marooned for several days and near death, an angel appears to them and says that, since they have suffered so much, God will grant each of them one wish. The Jesuit says, “I want to be back home in the U.S. and president of a Jesuit college!” He vanishes. The Franciscan says, “I want to be back in the U.S. and working at our soup kitchen.” He vanishes. The Trappist says to the angel, “Gee, I miss those guys, can you bring them back?”
•••
A Jesuit, Franciscan and Dominican are driving to a theology conference and get into an accident and die and go to heaven. Suddenly finding themselves at the pearly gates, they are nervous about meeting God to be judged. They are ushered by St. Peter into an ornate throne room and see God seated on his immense golden throne. God looks down at the Franciscan and says, “Son of St. Francis, what do you believe?” The Franciscan says, “I believe in your Son Jesus Christ and in serving him by helping the poor!” And God says, “Welcome to heaven, Son of St. Francis.” And he enters heaven. Then he looks at the Dominican and says, “Son of St. Dominic, what do you believe?” The Dominican says, “I believe in your Son Jesus Christ and in the value of theology to help people discover him.” And God says, “Welcome to heaven, Son of St. Dominic.” And he enters heaven. Then from his great golden throne, he looks at the Jesuit and says, “Son of St. Ignatius, what do you believe?” And the Jesuit looks up and says, “Uh…I believe you’re in my seat!”
What I like about these jokes is that for the most part, the Jesuits are the “butt” of the silly stories, usually playing off of our supposed irreligiosity, arrogance or pride. What I like even more is that those who enjoy telling them the most are Jesuits. We are, after all, as another Jesuit joke has it, “Number one in all things—including humility.”
The Rev. James Martin, S.J., is a Jesuit priest, author, editor at large at America and founder of Outreach.
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