John Conley, SJ
As a moral philosopher, I spend much of my
time teaching and writing about controversial ethical issues. How do the
criteria of just war theory apply to the new world of atomic,
biological and chemical weapons? Should a Catholic hospital administer
the morning-after pill to a rape victim? Does the rightful refusal of
extraordinary means of medical treatment ever include the refusal of
artificial nutrition and hydration?
Professional philosophers often feel isolated
from the general public. Few non-philosophers are interested in the
latest twist in postmodern hermeneutics or in the Gettier
counterexample. But the popular media cannot get enough philosophical
commentary on the moral issues that crash into the political order. Was
President Donald J. Trump’s strike on the Syrian airbase justified? What
about George W. Bush’s policy on stem cell research? Some years ago it
was fashionable to use “lifeboat” cases in general ethics courses for
undergraduates: “You are 20 in a lifeboat with only three days’ worth of
provisions. Whom do you throw overboard to maximize the chances of
survival for some?”
Unfortunately, this focus on gut-wrenching
ethical dilemmas has distorted our vision of the moral life. One can
easily have the impression that every moral decision is an ambiguous,
terrifying choice between competing goods right out of a tragedy of
Corneille. But everyday life is full of gentler, more obvious choices
that determine the moral texture of our social lives together. One of
these hidden areas is the realm of politeness.
Much of our daily life revolves around our reaction to polite or impolite behavior.
Politeness is rarely the object of ethical
analysis. (Interestingly, it is women who have pioneered the field of
politeness arbitration: Amy Vanderbilt, Letitia Baldridge, Miss Manners.)
Yet much of our daily life revolves around our reaction to polite or
impolite behavior. We are irritated by the faculty colleague who
continually interrupts us in departmental meetings. We know which nephew
sends a thank-you note for a gift and which nephew does not. Shortly
before Easter I visited our local DMV office, a place not renowned for
courtly manners. I was impressed by the courtesy of the clerk as she
processed my papers, explained the fees, suggested an allergy remedy and
wished me a happy weekend. On Easter morning I passed by the playing
fields of Loyola on my way to the university chapel for Mass. I wished a
happy Easter to a woman walking her Chihuahua on the campus. She
muttered back, “How would you like my dog to sic you?” So much for
Easter joy.
Our theoretical aloofness from politeness
might be tied to the frequent reduction of politeness to rule of
etiquette. If it is simply a matter of when to use the right fork or of
using the proper formula of condolences, politeness would be of little
account. Polite behavior can easily degenerate into unctuous flattery.
An entire book can be written on the Eddie-Haskell-ization of polite
behavior in American suburban culture. But every virtue has its parody.
The easy caricature of politeness by the sycophant cannot eliminate the
moral seriousness and social necessity of authentic courtesy.
Behind all the gestures of politeness lies a
fundamental respect for the dignity of other persons. A mature moral
agent does not use language or gestures that insult another person. One
can vigorously disagree with another person’s positions. One cannot
demean the person himself or herself. Politicians and journalists were
once warned to avoid ad hominem arguments in their work. (Gratuitous
editorial remark: Were the endless debates in last year’s presidential
campaign anything other than a string of ad hominem assaults?)
Politeness also respects the debt one owes to
other persons for one’s own happiness and achievements. It is striking
how many current television programs specialize in the glamorization of
resentment. A procession of angry people unleash their criticism of
their parents, their teachers or their doctors in front of a cajoling
host. Where are the programs where we thank that patient parent or
devoted teacher? Without gratitude, our soul shrivels and our civic life
deteriorates into mutual recrimination. Authentic politeness springs
from the gratitude we acknowledge for the gifts given us by other
persons.
In its mature form politeness is a species of charity.
In its mature form politeness is a species of
charity. In the contemporary church, we seem to be searching for a
deeper spirituality of hospitality. But the very term “hospitality”
seems rather pale. What we seek is something more than a cozy loveseat
by the hearth. Politeness opens our heart to see and respond to the
needs of those in difficulty. A good conversationalist knows how to draw
out the silent guest and how to avoid topics that provoke anger (Amy
Vanderbilt was right about the danger of diving into partisan politics).
The polite person exercises a steely asceticism out of love for the
wounded other person. The sick must be visited, the grief-stricken must
be comforted and the unexpected guest welcomed. An evening at the cinema
or before the computer screen can be readily sacrificed for such quiet
goods. The discreet charity of the polite is a major grace.
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